Anonymous, Class of 199X

I was one of two Black students in my graduating class. I am half Black and half White and categorize myself as a Bi-Racial person of African American and Caucasian descent. The brand of racism I experienced at John Carroll was of the covert and micro-aggression variety. No one called me  the n-word, though I was certainly made to feel different and less than on many occasions. Coming into the school as a freshman, I completed an assessment to determine my English class placement. English was my best subject and an academic strength, but I was told I didn't place into Honors. My English teacher in 9th grade, after seeing the caliber of my work, said that I should have been placed in Honors. I believe he recommended that I be placed in Honors for Sophomore year, but I wasn't. I was told there wasn't any space. My Sophomore year English teacher made the same recommendation, but this time, it was for AP in the 11th grade. Again, I was told there was no space, but watched as a White transfer student came in and was put right into 11th grade AP English. I was placed in Honors for 11th and 12th and never got to take AP English (again, no space for me), though I sat for the AP Exam, earned a 4, and tested out of the required English Composition class at the highly selective University I attended. This is where I was first introduced to the meritocracy myth - a hallmark of white supremacist culture. I lived in.

In my 4 years at JC, I was asked to one dance by a classmate. I was frequently excluded from many social experiences. I was made fun of for my hair (called nappy, compared to pubic hair, etc.) and my body. Rumors were spread about me being promiscuous (I was not promiscuous).
When it came time for me to apply to college, I wasn't given cultural competent counseling. I know this now because I am the Dean of an academic program and have done college counseling and advisement work with students for the past decade. As a result, I ended up at a school so steeped in white supremacy that I sometimes feared for my safety.

I didn't see myself reflected in what John Carroll valued or prized. I worked hard to be a model student (and a model "minority"). I was an athlete, an award winning editor on the Patriot, and the president of the Outreach Club. I will say, the nuns who worked at JC in the 90s were the kindest, most honorable people in the building. They treated me with respect and dignity. With them, I felt seen. But there were no teachers who looked like me (and hardly any students who did). There was no one to talk with about the things I heard or experienced as a BIPOC. There was no one to help me process my emotions...no one I felt comfortable confiding in. There were no safe spaces. History and English classes were white-washed. To be successful at JC, I had to tuck away part of myself. When I did become more outspoken or brave around issues of race, I was told to "stop playing the race card" or my voice was drowned out. I learned how to be quiet. A teacher in my senior year was openly hostile toward me for no particular reason. At the time, I just thought he was a mean person. In retrospect, I believe he was harboring racial bias. When I was accepted to Georgetown and proudly shared the news with a friend, the teacher loudly said "They accepted YOU?! How?!" It transformed one of my proudest accomplishments...a moment that should have been joyful...into a public humiliation.

I was told that I was only accepted because of affirmative action; everything I worked for across the years had been devalued. This class was the only time I earned a grade lower than a B. And I blamed myself. I told myself that I wasn't good enough.
This is a fraction of what my experience was like, and based on what I've heard from recent graduates and current students who are BIPOC, I was pretty lucky. I had it easier than they do...but it wasn't actually easy at all.

I hesitated about even sharing my story. I have come to the conclusion recently that John Carroll may be beyond hope, with respect to racial equity, inclusion, and anti-racism. In my professional role, I have been steeped in anti-racism work for the past two years. I know the level of commitment required to embark on this journey, and I don't believe JC has it. If it did, why would Rodney Johnson, the only Black teacher in my time, STILL be the only Black teacher? That speaks volumes about the values of the school, its administration, and its Board. The only reason I am sharing this now is because the students running the petition asked me to. I do not care about JC or hold any sort of passion for the place, but I do care deeply about the well being of Black and Brown students. It is unethical and immoral to recruit students of color and not create a safe learning environment for them. I have two children. One is in 8th grade, so we have started looking at high school. She comes to John Carroll for her club soccer practices and she has attended soccer camps there in the past. And yet, it never occurred to me, even for a second, to consider JC as a possibly high school choice for her. I want her in a school where she can be herself without feeling marginalized because of her racial background. I want her to feel safe.

I became a Catholic as an adult, while my kids were enrolled in a local Catholic K-8 school. As a result of their experiences with racism in that community, we pulled them out and placed them in public school. My collective history with Catholic Schools and the Baltimore Archdiocese were the catalyst for me no longer identifying as a Catholic. I am, however, moved to share a Bible verse that might serve as a guiding principle to you all, as it has to me (as a mother). From Micah 4:4 - "But they shall sit every person under their vine and under their fig tree; and none shall make them afraid: for the mouth of the LORD of hosts hath spoken it." Though I am afraid you will not, I encourage you to create a place where ALL students can sit under their vine and fig tree...where they can learn and grow as whole people and be celebrated and encouraged for who they are.
If you will not do this important work, which is God's work, and you will not change, then I beg you to stop recruiting BIPOC students.